Saturday, 2005-01-22; 09:04:00

Another personal revelation.

I've realized (I've been doing this a lot in the past three months) that I'm too "self-conscious". That's kind of philosophical, but I think it's more precise than saying that I'm too "shy". I say this because I don't think that I'm really that shy anymore. I used to be, but not anymore. College (and to a certain extent, the last year of high school) cured me of that. I'm not afraid anymore of saying what I think or doing what I want.

However, I think too much of my image. When I'm talking in class, I'm concerned about what others think about my statements. When somebody asks me what I'm majoring in, I always say geology, but sometimes I don't mention that I'm also majoring in math. When I listen to my music, I almost always put on headphones because I'm afraid other people won't like my music. And every once in a while I feel a bit "ashamed" of using a Mac. Not that I'm really ashamed of it, but I'm just afraid of revealing certain information to others.

Being vain is a part of this "self-consciousness". I've become a lot more particular about what I wear, how my hair looks, stuff like that. I worry about whether I should wear a belt or not, whether these pants go with that shirt, or whether I should wear jeans or corduroys. I also don't like having large glasses. In high school, I really couldn't have cared less about these things.

It's funny, because at the same time, I'm becoming less self-conscious. For example, last year, I was the main actor of the Casa Italiana play even though I hate being scrutinized while on stage -- I'm in the play this year as well, only the play won't be nearly as long as last year's. I no longer actively try not to be in photos (I still don't like being in photos, but I don't try to evade the camera anymore). At parties, it's not rare to see me dancing, and I'm not afraid of being a bit silly with other students in the house. I also don't let an opportunity to talk about politics pass by. Maybe it's not that I'm becoming more or less self-conscious, but it's just that I'm less scared of doing those things even though I may be very self-conscious when doing it. I was definitely nervous when I was in the play, and also in other situations. It's just that I can overcome my fear. But then again, with respect to being vain, I've definitely become more self-conscious, because I never was afraid of not dressing like others do.

So I guess that even though I'm less shy, I still have to keep trying at being less self-conscious. It seems that this self-consciousness impedes me from doing things that I like to do. But to become less self-conscious, you have to want to become less self-conscious, and you have to do it yourself. Others can't help you much in this regard. If you want to socialize more, you can't wait for people to drag you from your room. You have to do things that you're scared of doing. And you definitely can't leave your fate up to the stars, that someday miraculously you'll have the courage to do whatever you want to do, because the stars won't really give a crap. You have to practice being less self-conscious.

Therefore, I'm going to try to be the enemy of my own self-consciousness for the rest of this year -- not only in certain ways but in everything that I do. I don't want to be afraid of what other people think.

(That's not exactly how I wanted to express these thoughts, but what can you do? Sometimes you can't write worth shit.)

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