"If a dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it by looking at the dog. He acts guilty and ashamed. Not the cat. When a cat breaks something, he simply moves along to the next activity. 'What's that? The lamp? Not me, fuck that. I'm a cat! Something broken, ask the dog.'

A cat can make any mistake appear intentional. You ever seen a cat race across a room and crash into a glass door? Doesn't phase him at all! Pshweee, bam! 'I meant that, I actually meant that. That's exactly what I was trying to do.' Then he limps behind the couch holding his head. 'Ohhh... jesus. Fuckin' meow. God damn fuckin' meow.'

[...]

Cats are very tactile. They love to rub against your leg. If you own a cat, and you have a leg, you got a happy cat. 'Oh boy, oh boy! I'm rubbing against his leg! How I love his leg.' If you have two legs, you got yourself a party. 'Oh boy, oh boy. Two legs! Now I can do the figure eight!'"

Ahahahahahahahahahaha, that's GREAT! Sooo funny... and so true, too. It's funnier if you actually hear it, though.